Watching the world and the people around me.

This morning I heard a segment on "This American Life" about the proper way to raise children, and what the experts have learned etc. It was interesting and I agreed with some of what they said. But I decided to articulate my ideas on this subject and explain where I got my ideas. My home... I was advantaged enough as a child, to have been born to a loving mother and to begin my life with all the material necessities provided for me by my family or the community around me. I always felt my mother loved me. I felt she was a loving mother with a good sense of humor and a fun loving outlook on life. I never heard her gossip. I never heard her run anyone down. We were sent to schools taught by nuns, with classroom sizes large and rules clearly stated and enforced. We were taught respect for others and shielded from language and ideas that we were too young to be exposed to.

At Guardian Angel... There were many kids and few adults to care for them. It was obvious that the tactics they used, consistent rules and order, to keep things running smoothly were necessary. There was no tolerance for individual manipulation of the system. So, you stayed in line and looked for fun amongst the other kids. I didn't resent this life, because it totally made sense to me. If you have 27 kids to get dressed in the morning, feed and educate, you really don't have much time to deviate from a pretty organized plan if you expect to accomplish anything. At times we were punished enmasse (forced to sit on the floor quietly for an hour, not allowed to go outside, or even made to bend over our beds for a few swats on the behind.) Again, since everyone was punished, I spent no time whatsoever meditating on the justice or injustice of this. I do believe it made us form a camaraderie amongst ourselves and of course we learned together that circumventing the rules brought consequences. We were all part of this big system that required everyone to cooperate. We might not have "felt the love" individually, but under the circumstances our needs were met and we were treated the same. From this experience, I personally came to believe, that if the rules apply to everyone the same, and there are good reasons for the rules, progress can be made toward acquiring the most advantage for everyone. Oh, and did I fail to mention, nobody ever saw the nuns sitting around or gossiping. Now, I'm sure they did both at times, but all we ever saw, were these women doing their job, not always cheerfully, but a steady, consistent work ethic every day. Yes, I do believe kids understand these things. They may not be able to tell you about them yet, but instinct provides them with a desire to participate and receive a share of their environment, be it family or institution. When that environment is overseen by adults, and is directed according to the needs of all, I think the individuals involved create a healthy sense of what the world in general should be. A place where everyone is important and everyone has to comply with certain regulations since resources are limited. But, naturally individual personalities emerged, and lent plenty of diversity to the group. These personalities provided friendship and conflict, entertainment and competition. And again, a sense of fairness was overall maintained in not letting individual personalities unduly dominate the group. Another important lesson learned there. Everyone is entitled to develop their own individuality, but no one person should control the environment just because they have the capacity to do so. Everyone in the group needs to feel that they will have the same consideration given to their individual opinions and their unique contributions to their family or home.

Sullivan's... A fun place to live, but after the regimented life I was used to, I really missed the feeling that we were headed somewhere. There was very little communication with adults. Mr. Sullivan worked nights, and Mrs. Sullivan never seemed interested in establishing any type of cohesion or order. I really felt like there were very loose boundaries there, and I was not really comfortable with that. Yes, it was fun. Lots of kids to play with but no one seemed in charge. There were five Sullivan children and William and I. When Mr. Sullivan occasionally appeared and laid down the law, I liked it! Lesson here--Kids like to feel that someone is watching and directing them. (I'm a kid. I shouldn't be in charge). I think they also need to feel they are being taught something. Not just drifting along, trying to figure out things all by themselves.

Kramer's , Miller's... You can't talk about one family without the other. Here was a good combination of rules and fun. I loved hanging around with the Miller kids, but was definitely constrained by good rules. I lived here ten years, until I was married. It was my first look at a marriage. They have a good one. Kramer's were definitely involved with their kids and their families. They had fun, and I was indulged in being allowed to have a lot of friends, and be involved with many social functions through church and community. Here, I watched families with lots of kids interact with other families at potlucks, ice cream socials etc. Women cooked, sewed, served on church committees, school functions etc. They were busy and seemed happy. Their was no doubt about their contributions to their homes and their communities. I really admired these women. I loved the life. Because I did love the life, I emulated much of it in my own family. I think I took all of these experiences, and adopted what I felt were the most effective means of creating the life I wanted for our family. After Guardian Angel, as most kids do, I tried my hand at dominating situations. Thankfully, there were adults around who quickly made it clear that I was not in charge. After all, what does a 10 or 15 or 17 year old really know about holding a family together. And while I may have cried and carried on dramatically (about how unfair it was, that no one was following my lead, or allowing me to navigate situations I was clearly not ready to navigate), I was fortunate to have people strong enough to stand up to me. I was punished or smacked as the occasion called for. Thank God, someone took the time and employed the energy to block me.

Dan... Then I met Dan. Although we disagree on much, we definitely agree on a lot of core ideas. I respect him very much. He has a calm, direct demeanor. I may go on and on (as in this blog) and he will utter in one sentence the solution or explanation of something I have been going back and forth on for a long time. I trust him. Although he thinks I never listen to him he is wrong. He has taught me so much. Because I trust him, I entertain ideas he has, that I never considered or that are not widely held. He is really good at making things simple and solid. He expects a lot from us (his family) but he is such a good example himself that it is hard not to try to live up to his strengths.

Together, I think we have tried to raise our kids to be ready for this world. We tried to assure them a fun, safe, and innocent childhood. But we also wanted them to learn their own way in life. To achieve their own goals. To live their own lives. To find where they are most comfortable and happy. We felt it was more important to impart to our kids that they were members of a big world with many ideas and talented and smart people. They should share this world with all those people and contribute their fair share. They should respect other peoples ideas, but think for themselves. We are very proud of our kids. They have always lived up to our expectations and they are kind, considerate, and interesting adults, who we love being the parents of.

So, when I hear from experts, that kids need to be praised effusively, or have their opinions listened to and go unchallenged, or are incapable of distinguishing between an adult spanking them for something they have done wrong, and beating up their siblings because mom and dad sometimes smack them, I respectfully disagree. I think kids deserve more than that. They deserve to take their time being kids, and to formulate their own opinions over time by listening and observing the world around them. We, as parents, are the ones they observe for the first twenty years of their lives. We need to keep that in mind and always try to be a good example in our homes, so that we can, through our lives, give them some ideas to build on to make their own observations and contributions to the world.

These were just things I was thinking about today, and thought I would write about so that people are aware of things that I believe, and why I believe them.